God Inspired, Moved, and Centered My Life

I have been away from blogging since last Tuesday’s Emergency Room visit.  I was very dehydrated, so I got IV infused and blood work that showed that I have(still have) pneumonia, UTI, and need to work on eating and drinking.  All these are so easy to say, but when the chemo takes effect, so hard to implement.  The IV gave me a new boost of energy that has lasted till now, and I have felt strong for the past week.  I praise God for that. 

I was very upset hat the Oncologist did not check in with me after sending me to ER, and she was working right across the street in ECCC.  She has not spoken to me, but her PA, called.  The insurance form I needed her to fill out, she rejected, and then on Monday, I had an appointment with my Breast Surgeon, a follow up, and he too rejected signing the insurance form which would have helped me get in a better place mentally, financially, and physically.  He was very upset that  I even broached the subject, and begged their understanding.  My quality of care with them is so questionable, as the Oncologist wants to reduce or stop, or stretch out the treatments, but initially, the only protocol was the most aggressive treatment, and that was reinterated forcefully on Monday.  The type of tumor being treated, needs to be aggressively treated.  Throughout the night, Monday, I got very little sleep, because I need to set my affairs in order, rather than let life play out and as the medical persons who have treated me in ER, and the Breast Surgeon, and the Oncologist, and my Primary Care Physician all told me this past week, if I can’t eat and drink and keep anything inside, the chemo will kill me.  The side effects of the chemo are working to kill everything and that may include me.  I can not get beyond how my brother only lived 6 weeks last year between Sept. 29 when the hospital got him, till October 13, when they called us, till November 10, 2017 when he passed away.  My Momma, started seeing a doctor last February, for hip pain, and in April was diagnosis with multiple myeloma in the hip region, that was not supposed to take her life, then she passed on February 16, 2018, suddenly couldn’t breathe.  We can not predict time of life, so me wanting to be proactive, is all I can think to do.  We were not with my brother, he had not insurance, though he took out many policies.  My Momma, had insurance which my sister was maintaining, but when she let it lapse, she kept it to herself, because we all thought we had more time to get things in order.  I want to know that will not happen with me.  I have a policy that allows me to use the funds I need, before it is took late, before I am gone, and the remainder will be there for my beneficiaries, but one box concerning when will the time come, 6 months, 12 months?  It has to be within 12 months, not a day later.  That is why they refuse to sign the document.  Knowing that I cannot eat, or drink, tells me all I need to know about how flimsy the factor impacts expectancy.  I know how badly I feel from chemo infusion day till a few days prior to the next infusion.  Next week, I have a consult on Monday, but the Oncologist won’t be Monday, and I have my third Chemo Infusion on Wednesday, the day following Christmas, and the Oncologist won’t be there, but she is contemplating, stretching the chemo, lessening the strength, and making changes that will impact the initial protocol.  More time in this protocol, means longer before I get to the second stage of reduced infusion.  It seems so hard for them to talk to me, with compassion, and as a human with understanding, knowledge, and wisdom to what is going on, and they are always so rushed and eager to move out of the room.  I try not to feel, not to be in the emotional stance, but it is so hard after all the twists and turns I have gone through along this journey.

Today I feel pretty good, and I have since the IV, so maybe I can get an IV after each treatment, I can taste food, and drink and almost totally, but only for a few more days.  My granddaughter turned 13, yesterday, and I was able to celebrate, I will be present for Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day, how that be anything but God’s Grace and Mercy and Blessing.  Thank God.

I was up with God all night Monday following the let down of the doctor not signing the insurance document, knowing I will have no funds to keep up my living expenses, set my affairs in order, and get any peace of mind, because of the way he raised his voice, stumped his foot, and insisted I get help from Social Services, and allow them to put me in touch with Pallative Care, but I don’t see that as the answer.  I spoke to Social Services every time they put me in touch prior, because of their changes.  I just want to be in control of what my future holds, so my family’s next loss is not so traumatic as the past two recent losses.

God gave me inspiration, and He led me to set up a GoFundMe.com page which will help me do what I need to and not just sit back and give up.  I pray that He will send so many donors that my cup overflows and this strain and burden of financial stress will be vanquished forever.  He showed me how this fund will take away all that has been holding me back, and I have been praying to be released from all my life.  I see God, working to remove this stumbling block as He has moved all the other thorns and strongholds that have held me down throughout life and I see a brighter future.  He has moved so many holds and struggles and I know He has been speaking to me about lifting me up out of my distresses.  I have a few business opportunities waiting for financing that will move me out of debt, that have been in the works, through His hands some for a long time, and some He has just placed in my Spirit.  Money is the one shortcoming I have struggled with since I was born, because my Momma, struggled raising five children alone, and I have never moved past it since I became an adult, because I have always tried to help my family, and then became the sole supporter and provider.  Life has never afforded me a way above debt, but I have never been short on hope, and ideas, and inspiration for better, I believe it took Him bringing me through this journey to lift me up out of the miry depth, after this journey.  I feel with the GoFundMe.com success, my life will never go back to all the cancers that I have lived with throughout the previous years, I just have to overcome the side effects of the chemotherapy.  A great and positive attitude comes with the success of the GoFundMe.com account as it would have with the insurance policy I initially wanted to take advantage of using.  I have successful financial opportunities that I work on when I am not bedridden, all I need is the funding to make it profitable, and keep healthy, God has plans for me and I am so excited to see my life on the other side of this journey, In Jesus’s Name.  As long as the GoFundMe.com progresses positively, I see God’s hand of hope which strengthens me and I am hopeful, and am to fight the side effects, because I know He is showing me a new path on earth that He has been leading me to, a long time.  Help me by supporting my GoFundMe.com account, and help me stay strong and hopeful and the payoff will be beneficial not just to me, but for so many in the future, it has been shown to me through His prophecy and the wisdom of His word.

The future depends on my financial outcome from this GoFundMe.com account, since the insurance payout, has been rejected until they see me on my last days, which could be too short of time to make anything work positively.  I will keep you abreast of how the new financial ventures work out very soon, as this account has gained some momentum as soon as it was set up yesterday.  Thank you to all who did not hesitate and has the love and trust for me and in God to just donate.  I could never express my appreciation, but God will bless you double for what your heart has done, and as He uses me after this, through what it will mean to others to allow me to survive and flourish and walk according to what He has planned for me to do, and how He plans to use me going forward.

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