Light Into Darkness

Last Monday, Dec. 3, 2018, was my 2nd Chemo Infusion Class.  I fared really well on Monday, and Tues, I was well enough to go to Dress Rehearsal for our weekend concert, as the prayers we sent up requested.  God hears and answers all prayers:  Yes, No, or Not Now.  He sent a resounding YES!!!.

Wed. Dec. 5th, I was starting to feel the decline, I began a cough, and the floodgates of diarrhea opened wide.  I became so weak and achy and my tongue became burnt again.  Nothing had taste or flavor again.  The smell this time is not just cigarettes, but there is this overwhelming smell everywhere of an alcoholic’s breath bearing down on me.  It’s even in my clothes.  That is the other most sickening smell I could never tolerate.  The stomach agony, the nose clots, the thick mucous from the cough, along with the heart flutters, and what feels like vibrations.  Taking all the meds prescribed, and yes, they have made this time a less painful, restless battle than the first time, but this battle has chosen its own grounds to fight upon.

Thurs. Dec. 6, has left me so weak, and achy, and now I can not force myself to put food into my mouth, and allow it to attack from tongue to gut. I have found that Vit. D milk, is a good, soothing resolution, so now Edy’s ice cream, and Vit. D milk, and if I hold my breath, I can drink water.  Thank you Lord, for the consolation.  As soon as it goes in, the pains begin to release it, and it grows with such intensity, I almost pray I pass out from pain, but imagine the outcome of awakening all soiled.  I am hot, clammy, and so very weak, and nauseous.

Fri. Dec 7, another day of Thursday’s wrath,  and all I can do is take a hot bath each day, the hemorrhoids, the rectal and vaginal bleeding, with the burning  and urgency of going.  It’s all ugly.

Sat. Dec. 8, it is concert day, I believe I will make it.   As the day progresses and diarrhea is still with me during the day, I just keep praying that God accelerated the symptoms so I can get there, and yes, that is what He did.  I still am very shaky, and weak, but God Did Just What He Said.

I did not eat all day to keep from flair ups later. I was so blessed by the music, the feel of being with God in Praise of Him and I was able to see special people who helped lifted my internal spirit, and Jesus kept me strong.  I know He is holding  me together just like a potter.

Sun. Dec 9, the snow came, I was planning to rest in the morning, and attend the evening ‘s concert, but God had it so that all church services all over were cancelled, and my body rested.  I knew by this time, I had something going on inside that needed to be addressed, so I planned to call the Oncologist on Monday.  It snowed hard all day and by night, nobody was going anywhere, not Sunday, and not Monday. I had also noticed that my tongue is turning black and the interiors of my wrists are darker in pigment.  There is a large black,  textured mole in my head that I only found after my hair was shorn.  This was in a spot that was a constant itch when I had hair, so I was concerned about a different cancerous source.  Everything is a source of concern, and I am in tuned with everything about myself.

Monday, I called the Oncology Clinic, it was closed.  I would go on Tues when the roads were better, as I was still not feeling I could do more than a hot bath, drink a little milk, and Alex, per my request, got me fresh fruit, that tasted like fruit, sweet red grapes, blackberries, pineapple ,pears and bananas.  He gave me raspberries, which  I do not like, but the thought and the efforts made him “the most wonderful son”.

Tues. I called the Oncologist, told of how I was feeling, and was told to go to UVA ER.  What a nightmare filled with germs.  My oncologist never came to be with me, she handled my case remotely.  I asked the doctors’ if chemo could kill a body, and the answer is , “yes”, because I am unable to eat.  They prayed with me, sweet, young nurse.  They cared for me, made me drink 2% milk, nasty, and a freeze pop.  They took great care of me in their chaotic environment, gave me IV fluids, which helped me feel stronger.  Ran blood, which was good, pressure was great, urine was infected, from the chemo, hemorrhoids inflamed,  found I had pneumonia, which they started treating, but the prescription to continue would go to CVS.  I was really dehydrated, so they treated that.

Wed.  I woke up feeling so much steadier.  I went to get prescription, it was not called in, so I have not meds to treat the things here that they found there.  Maybe tomorrow, since I called the Oncologist to inform them of the problems.  I needed to get the Oncologist to fill out a form that I told them about, but because she did not come, I discussed it today, and hopefully tomorrow all of today’s dilemmas can be ironed out.  I am feeling good, no pain from this morning’s diarrhea, and I did have fruit and hot chocolate, so today is a good day, and I thank God for it.  Whatever comes, I rest in the Arms of Jesus, for peace, comfort, and love, and mercy, and so much joy.  I love you Lord.

2 Replies to “Light Into Darkness”

  1. Dear One,
    Shari sent me here. I have taken this journey and can offer you this:
    – decide how you want your life to be and arrange your medical needs around that. The medical system will try to fit you in their world – tell them they will fit into YOURS.
    -chemo is poison – but the means justifies the end in this case. HER-2 is not an easy diagnosis, but you are strong! I wasn’t one to think of a cancer diagnosis as a battle cry; instead, I just put one foot in front of the other until I was done.
    -stay busy. Find good in things, be grateful, see love in everything that is
    -losing our hair is almost as bad as the treatment. It grows back. And yes, you will miss not having to shave your legs.
    -laugh – a lot. Watch comedies, listen to jokes, talk with people you love. Make cancer small – don’t give it space to grow in your mind; in your life. See this as a bump in the road.
    -cry sometimes. Then pick yourself up and move on as you can. Some days that will mean being able to brush your teeth. Other days, you’ll do more.
    -practice self-care: TONS of water to flush out the poison; ask for meds to relieve issues; get a prescription for Magic Mouthwash – it will get rid of mouth issues, sores in a flash and is inexpensive; Drink Orgain – organic protein drink developed by a doctor who had cancer (Amazon has it; I recommend the mocha).
    -if you don’t like how you are being treated, speak up. You are a human being, not a number. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, forget that.
    -allow yourself to learn on this journey. There is always something to learn.
    Wishing you peace and grace on this challenging journey. May you see God as you wwlk, and the things he has for you to learn. 💕


    1. Thank you Jan. Your words are a bright light on a cloudless, sour day. I know that especially this week, I felt as if I were the only one in my fight, not the medical team and I, just me; and I realized that they are not my people as I need them to be. I appreciate all your beautiful words. Thanks. I need more feedback like this blessing of you. I will try to drink more, and will check on the organic drink, as I was wondering if there was something I could possibly ingest besides Vit D milk and some Edy’s ice cream when nothing has taste and still upsets my stomach and causes immediate diarrhea. Thank Shari and I will as well, you have been the only person to respond to my blog.


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