Being Thankful In Little or Much

Today is Thanksgiving Day!  I am here, I am alive, I am turning the corner.  I found myself wondering why I didn’t think twice about accepting the doctor’s orders that because I had HER2 positive I would concede to take the chemotherapy because my surgery went so well, and I was healed, and back on my healthy track?  I could have just gone along and trusted that there would be no recurrence of the cancer in my body, I could have lived a normal life for the time it was out of my body, but, I wanted to be smart, and give myself the assurance of not coming back to this place again, one, two, five years after I get comfortable, and have to relive this cancer nightmare, that is why I chose to put myself through chemotherapy.  After the first treatment, and the amount of time it takes to bounce back, I gave myself pause, but in reality, I know, this is the road I must travel.  I don’t want to live with cancer, or the notion of cancer having the upper hand where anytime it wants, it can just re invade my body, and take control of my life.  Chemo is hard, and it will most likely be harder with each treatment.  Today, I am up and planning to partake of our customary family Thanksgiving meal, though I could not be part of the cooking, no dish with my signature.  I did make pie crusts for their pies, but I did that every year.  I am still very weak, all my exit cavities are raw, and burn when I go to the bathroom, and yes, diarrhea is still hanging on, which makes me limit what I drink, because it burns to void, and it burns and hurts, and bleeds to excrete.  My nose is always filled with blood and clots slip down my throat.  Nights are so hard to find comfort, and last night, I had the sharpest pain in my head that I thought was the making of an aneurism.  I prayed that God would keep me through the night, and praise His Name, I am here.

I keep thinking how hard this all is on babies, and small children.  Please keep their bottoms moisturized with Vaseline, because every time they go, it hurts.  All we can do is just go through and pray that chemo kills all the cancer cells, and someday I will arise from the ashes that it will make of my life, and I will be stronger and better on the other side.  It is a formidable adversary, and I know that I do not walk this path alone, there are so many others who do, and I pray that God will wrap His strength and love and delivering, loving arms around us and that we will come forth as pure gold.  How can you not love and serve the Lord, when this battle comes into your life?  I cannot fight it alone, I need Jesus to carry me through.  I am exhausted from being weak and sick everyday, and this is just the beginning, so I know already, in my own strength, I am nothing, and with God, who keeps comforting me, and lifting me up each day, I will overcome.

Last year, Nov. 10th, we lost my older brother, Clarence, and we as a family celebrated our Thanksgiving with my Momma, who was getting weaker, but was still very much a part of everything.  February 16, 2018, my Momma went on home, weakness, and constant pain opens ones eyes to know that a body can only take so much, and it will rest, so as I look introspectfully at how I feel, and what is to come, weakness and sickness from chemo treatments could make this my last Thanksgiving, but I want it to be pleasant and loving and memorable just as my Momma made it for us last year.  Thank God for that.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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